Family is hard to deal with and oftentimes we have to remind ourselves that what constitutes a family is a group of people connected by genes and temporarily shared environments. The groups' values and experiences may converge for some time, but ultimately each individual must pursue his particular set of values and experiences which may or may not be inspired by the family dynamic. Ideally, he finds that happy balance between honoring his family ties and treasuring his distinctness.
But what if the family demands interfere with his desire to develop?
Five years ago I stood up to my father and his wife. I was living in Chicago and when I came to visit them in Virginia, I discovered that they had concocted a scheme to get me to move back with them. They tried to enlist my girlfriend Jessica to their side. She would have none of that. I stated outrightly I would not move back and that I was where I needed to be.
From there, my dad pulled back into a shell and didn't talk to me. His wife literally screamed at me for hours, called me names, trashed my mom (who I had recently renewed a relationship with), told me I owed her everything, etc.
I was shocked by how they acted, but I remained unusually cool and I stood up for what I believed and I didn't cave to what I perceived as emotional abuse.
The whole synopsis I related was much more complicated than that, but it can be boiled down to this. My dad and his wife are resentful that they don't have the control over me they once had. I've gravitated away from their religion, I tell them not to talk to me a certain way, and I choose not to spend a large portion of my time communicating with them (I don't want to call them once a week. They chide me when I don't).
Over the holidays, I called them to complain about an email they sent telling me I must not love them very much because I don't want to sleep over at their place. I wanted to sleep over at my brother's. As soon as the complaint left my lips, my dad's wife screamed at me yet again, told me she hated me and that I was uninvited from Christmas. I eventually had to hang up because I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Afterwards, I went elsewhere for Christmas and held a further exchange of emails with them, culminating in my dad advising me to call off the wedding because Jessica must be perverting my mind. Oh, and that I act like I'm in a cult. When I reiterated that I was calling because I was tired of the passive aggressive language and snide remarks, they oscillated between telling me I deserved it and that it wasn't happening. And to top it off, they threw in some antisemitism (Jessica is half-Jewish).
So that's where I am now. Trying to figure out how on earth this spiraled out of control and constantly asking myself if I'm crazy, because I don't normally hear of people acting this way. Who really thinks their son and his fiancée is plotting against them? Or that the complaints I have are invalid because they've had a harder life than me and I need to toughen up? And in the same breath, they tell me I'm not compassionate enough? I feel like I'm in an asylum here. These were the people who got me into Buddhism and encouraged me to go into theater. How did I become a villain?
At what point do you throw up your hands and say, "I tried. I tried to stay calm and explain why I stood up for myself. I'm out of my twenties and I'm getting married and I'm trying to concoct a satisfying life here and you're the only ones in my life screaming at me for being a bad person."
It might be that point now.
Thanks for letting me vent.
