Busy Bee Boy

Have I really not posted in three months? How time flies. I made up that phrase, by the way. No one should use it but me.

I've been extremely busy the past few months, so don't think I've slacked off on life. My absence from the blog is due to productivity rather than laziness.

I'm undergoing my last semester of Second City. I'm writing and pitching as many sketches as I can for our final bout of upcoming performances. I'm writing almost every day.

I'll be filming two sketches over the next couple months. One was supposed to be filmed last Saturday, but our location fell through. We'll try it again soon, I hope.

I was in a little industrial film last week. Courtesy of my bud Stephanie who recommended me when the crew was scrambling for an actor. $300 for two lines in three hours! I don't mind!

I submitted for agents earlier this week. I've got a few auditions coming up for paid theater work. We'll see if anything comes of that. I'm also prepping one-man character performances to do around the Chicago comedy scene.

See? Busy! For reals!

I'll try to knock out another blog soon. A financially related one, perhaps. Or a meandering one that doesn't get to heart of anything. What a mystery I've concocted. Stay tuned!

And don't say Time Flies. Seriously. Only I say it.

Happy MLK Day

There. Now I don't look racist.

Good financial news today.

I have officially paid off the engagement ring. I put a hefty amount (for me) on my credit card and I'm down to a pre-engagement ring level of debt.

My student loan payment suspension expired this month. I paid off January and February's payment. That should buy me enough time to assess how much I'll be working so I can see how or if I can pay student loans during the near future.

My bills remain up to date. I am no bill-paying sloucher, I'll give myself that.

I opened up a joint ING Direct account with Jessica. Basically, it's an online savings account with a better interest rate than a standard physical bank you find around town. It's a Dutch enterprise that has a good reputation and a straightforward, easy to understand terms of service. This account will be for wedding stuff, and afterwards a basic savings account.

It looks like my job will be giving me decent hours for the time being. I've really been slacking off on the job search, primarily because the idea of landing another shitty job, even if it pays more, is not inspiring me to make the effort. I have a lot of performing and writing work to do and when it's cold, I get VERY lethargic and mildly depressed. I'm picking my battles. I have a lead for an agent, though. A girl I know said she will strongly recommend me to them if I send in my resume and headshot. That I will do. I should have an agent. I need a monologue and song, though...

Eating My Own Tail Like a Snake... Gross Now That I Think About It

I had a lovely diner hangout with my good buddy Mike last night. Coffee, grilled cheese sandwiches, and intellectual conversation makes for a happy hipster. Don't worry. I own a pair of skinny jeans and have been glimpsed in a fedora, scarf, and t-shirt ensemble, but I'm no hipster. You have to kill one to become one and I can't take a life, no matter how Portishead-inspired that life may be.

Mike is doing some soul-searching these days. He's trying to figure out his place in society. For a man who swallows his meals whole like a python, he's unusually self-aware.

Being self-aware is a positive thing indeed. When you get to Level 4 Awareness, you unlock the Scepter of Empathy, the Flaming Crown of Humility, and the Elven Cloak of Open-Mindedness: essential items for building relationships with princesses and communities of villagers. Much better than rape and slaughter. Unfortunately, self-awareness has its drawbacks, too. Seldom does a day go by that I am not paralyzed by the knowledge of my limitations. My lack of candor irritates me. All attempts at self-promotion are drenched with shame and sweaty apologies. What I wouldn't give for the occasional sliver of sociopathy!

That's why my New Year's Resolution is to master the art of The Hard Stare and The Braggart's Maw. Maybe I can inspire just enough fear in others to muddy up the waters of my own self-deprecation.

My Family Vent

Family is hard to deal with and oftentimes we have to remind ourselves that what constitutes a family is a group of people connected by genes and temporarily shared environments. The groups' values and experiences may converge for some time, but ultimately each individual must pursue his particular set of values and experiences which may or may not be inspired by the family dynamic. Ideally, he finds that happy balance between honoring his family ties and treasuring his distinctness.

But what if the family demands interfere with his desire to develop?

Five years ago I stood up to my father and his wife. I was living in Chicago and when I came to visit them in Virginia, I discovered that they had concocted a scheme to get me to move back with them. They tried to enlist my girlfriend Jessica to their side. She would have none of that. I stated outrightly I would not move back and that I was where I needed to be.

From there, my dad pulled back into a shell and didn't talk to me. His wife literally screamed at me for hours, called me names, trashed my mom (who I had recently renewed a relationship with), told me I owed her everything, etc.

I was shocked by how they acted, but I remained unusually cool and I stood up for what I believed and I didn't cave to what I perceived as emotional abuse.

The whole synopsis I related was much more complicated than that, but it can be boiled down to this. My dad and his wife are resentful that they don't have the control over me they once had. I've gravitated away from their religion, I tell them not to talk to me a certain way, and I choose not to spend a large portion of my time communicating with them (I don't want to call them once a week. They chide me when I don't).

Over the holidays, I called them to complain about an email they sent telling me I must not love them very much because I don't want to sleep over at their place. I wanted to sleep over at my brother's. As soon as the complaint left my lips, my dad's wife screamed at me yet again, told me she hated me and that I was uninvited from Christmas. I eventually had to hang up because I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Afterwards, I went elsewhere for Christmas and held a further exchange of emails with them, culminating in my dad advising me to call off the wedding because Jessica must be perverting my mind. Oh, and that I act like I'm in a cult. When I reiterated that I was calling because I was tired of the passive aggressive language and snide remarks, they oscillated between telling me I deserved it and that it wasn't happening. And to top it off, they threw in some antisemitism (Jessica is half-Jewish).

So that's where I am now. Trying to figure out how on earth this spiraled out of control and constantly asking myself if I'm crazy, because I don't normally hear of people acting this way. Who really thinks their son and his fiancée is plotting against them? Or that the complaints I have are invalid because they've had a harder life than me and I need to toughen up? And in the same breath, they tell me I'm not compassionate enough? I feel like I'm in an asylum here. These were the people who got me into Buddhism and encouraged me to go into theater. How did I become a villain?

At what point do you throw up your hands and say, "I tried. I tried to stay calm and explain why I stood up for myself. I'm out of my twenties and I'm getting married and I'm trying to concoct a satisfying life here and you're the only ones in my life screaming at me for being a bad person."

It might be that point now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Have You Missed Me?

'Cause I missed you.

I became so caught up in the entangling spiderweb of life that I had little inclination to suck the juices of my blogflies. That is the kind of metaphor I would normally avoid were I to consistently practice the writing craft.

What have I been up to? Thanksgiving and Christmas roadtrips. Rehearsal for a sketch show at Second City. Second City classes. Office work at an office job. I co-wrote and co-starred in a little playlet/sketch thing for Collaboraction Theater. I've been really sick three or four times in two months. I had a falling out with 1/3rd of my family which leaves me emotionally drained.

There's been a lot to blog about, I suppose, but little fire under my taint to get the word out. I hope to incrementally get back into blogging shape.

Creatively, things are going well. Financially, I got through the holidays but I'm not making much headway. Morally, I'm as destitute as ever. Long live murder!

I will write again. I swear it. Don't leave me!

Financialism Continues! More Made Up Words To Follow!

I love titling my posts. It's almost like I work for the paper.

I spent some time to focus on budgeting. Remember when I was complaining about my math skills and my monetary miscalculations? I just downloaded an app that I'm really excited about. It's called Moneybook. It's a fancy looking yet surprisingly simple way to track your finances and see how you're spending your money each month.

Will I be able to get with it and ride that bucking bronco budget bull like a big bad boisterous banker? Berhaps. I mean, perhaps. The paper system is obviously not working and lugging around a huge notebook spilling over with sums is the opposite of awesome. A sleek, portable style may be just what I need to stay ahead of the game. The game of Smell My Success.

Which is also the name of a blog I compose. Let's move on.

I condensed another bill onto my bank's website. The one I plumb forgot about, thereby generating a late fee. I shan't miss that payment again any time soon. By which I mean for another three months or so. I'm quite forgetful.

I remembered to maintain a couple snowflake payments. That's something else I tend to forget about. In addition, I made a little side money from some theater gigs to put on my slightly decreasing credit card debt.

It's been awhile since I've sat down with myself to go over my financial position. The fact that I did without mentally kicking and screaming impressed me (and I am NOT easily impressed) was a cool experience. For every two steps forward I feel like I take 1.6 steps back again. After a few weeks of seemingly little progress, I can see how it nevertheless adds up.

Set Your Intention

A few days ago I was in a sour mood. I felt physically uncomfortable at work, mentally fuzzy and generally anxious. It got to me that there wasn't anything necessarily going wrong at the time. Yet I couldn't shake that nagging irritability. When the mental spate passed, I recalled a little trick I took from Buddhism 101: set your intention. I learned this during meditation instruction. It keeps the meditator's mind more anchored and allows the sitting session to become naturally grounded. It's simple to do. You just take 30 seconds to a minute to remind yourself where you are, what you're trying to accomplish, and that you're going to do your best to accomplish it.

It's not just for meditation, however. Oh no, fool. If you transfer that 30-seconds-to-a-minute-intention to once in the morning after waking up and once more before bed, you may find a little more clarity and direction throughout your day.

As an example, I set an intention last Thursday morning before leaving for work. I said loudly to a voyeuristic squirrel, "I will endeavor to be deliberate and calm in my actions and my speech and my thinking. Because when I do this, I am a more effective communicator, I feel a sense of control, and I generate an aura of lightness and confidence. That's right, squirrel. That's what happens." Badda-boom! My brain was continuously kicking in to remind me of that little speech I made. I had a pretty good day. I attribute that to taking the time to permeate my head with a floating instruction as to how to present myself to myself and the rest of the world.

I picked that particular intention because lately I've been experiencing increased agitation and figitiness. This tends to occur when the seasons change and I become increasingly busy. Fall to winter is always my boon time for theatre projects. Oftentimes I'm running around too much to focus on meditation. Setting my intention is a good way to recapture the essence of that much-needed self-awareness without fighting for meditation time. To all my pals out there who sometimes say, "Ah, I need to meditate more!" I say, "Hey dude or lady or voyeuristic squirrel. Take two 30-second periods of time. One in the morning and one at night to remind yourself where you are and how you wish to be. Do it with optimism and in the spirit of curiosity and play with the world. You might just find life to be a little more bearable."

I mean, you have a minute, right? You don't? Oh... I apologize. I'm glad you at least found the time to read this post.